A perspective shift on Boundaries

For a long time, setting boundaries was not something I was comfortable doing and avoided it as much as possible. This led to relationship ruptures, hurt feelings, resentment, anger and often shame. I never imagined then that confronting my fears around setting boundaries would be a major part of my healing journey and how much that would change the quality of my life.

Eventually, I had to look deeper at what was underneath these patterns: the fear of disappointing others, the desire to be liked or accepted, or the habit of prioritizing someone else's comfort over my own. When I looked at this deeper, it all came back to the desire for safety, and I realized, before I could create healthy boundaries, I had to create safety within myself. I had to build the belief of self-worth and let that be the steady launching pad for the courage it took to honor my own needs, even when it felt uncomfortable or scary.

In the beginning, and before the realizations described above, setting boundaries for me, came with a lot of anger and resentment. I was always preparing myself to defend my boundaries, rather than simply, and lovingly honoring them as a way to honor my needs. With time, reflection and therapy :), thankfully, I eventually realized the countless unspoken boundaries that had already been crossed in my life time, led me to unconsciously expect my spoken boundaries to be met with the same disregard. I felt boundaries had to be set with barbed wire and guard dogs for reinforcement.

Further dissection showed me the moments that triggered the most anger, were often the moments when I had felt I abandoned myself by ignoring my own needs. In those moments, I wasn't making choices that protected my peace, I was saying yes when I meant no or I was falling back into people pleasing tendencies.

After doing some work to look at myself more deeply and seeing these behaviors through new eyes, I felt so much compassion for myself and I began viewing boundary setting as solution to avoiding or repairing self-abandonment. This was a very important transitional step, it helped me step out of the fear behind it in many instances, but it also carried some heaviness. Self-abandonment…it feels like an accusation, I feel a connotation there of shame or blame towards myself and a need for correction.

But, I don't believe healing happens in the presence of shame. So, once again, I was invited to shift my perspective on boundaries, to see them as love and honor, not as protection from what may hurt. Being able to see boundaries as a loving act for myself, as a way to honor my needs makes boundary setting feel more inviting and accessible, safe. Beyond the internal nectar, it’s a beautiful demonstration of loving others enough to show up authentically instead of from resentment or obligation. Ironically, setting boundaries with those we love can deepen our connection, both to ourselves as well as to others.

This is where nervous system work becomes such an important part of the process. When our nervous system doesn't feel safe, advocating for ourselves can feel threatening. We may freeze, fawn, avoid conflict, or abandon our own needs to maintain connection. Building internal safety takes time, patience, compassion, courage and consistency. Over time, as we build nervous system resources and create more internal safety, we become more capable of moving through discomfort while still honoring ourselves.

Many of the tools I have used to support my growth are accessible and easy to weave into your day. Mixing in these moments of calm is a gentle way of beginning the recalibration process. I’ve included a few below, so you can get started right away!

1.     Intentional Breathing: Pause, notice the breath in it’s natural rhythm, begin to relax the muscles of the torso, then invite the breath to move deeper, finding 360-degree expansion in the torso, on the breath out soften the body releasing tension. Repeat for at least 1-minute multiple times a day

2.     Journaling: Free writing when I have realizations about how I am feeling physically, emotionally, energetically, etc. This practice helps to recognize patterns of behavior and thought. Awareness creates opportunities for new behavior and ways of thinking. If you don’t keep a note pad handy, you can keep it in your notes on your phone.

3.     Somatic Awareness: Checking in with myself periodically throughout the day and noticing the following:

a.     How am I breathing? Shallow? Holding? Fast? Deep? Slow? Full?

b.     How am I feeling in my body? Where am I feeling it? What does it feel like?

c.     What are my inputs? (emotional/mental/physical/sensory)

Again, bringing new awareness to patterns and behaviors allows us to see things from new perspectives and change courses where suitable.

What has been your experience with boundary setting? Has your relationship with boundaries changed throughout your healing journey? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.